"The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring" Isaiah 58:11 NLT
SOLO is defined as being for or done by one person, unaccompanied! The ability to stand alone!
Let me take it back to when you are born. You are born into this world alone; I know it sounds a little harsh but it’s the reality. Even twins, one came in before the other, its biblical. Read the book of Genesis as it speaks to the relationship of the fraternal twins Jacob and Esau (if you are following my journey, we will get all into my breakdown of this one!). I recall reading in Genesis 38: 27-30 about how the midwife tied a red thread on the twin brother whose hand came out first all to determine who came into the world FIRST! Now make sure you do your reading because you will learn that the hand the red thread was tied to be the first born, was not! Whew, the bible has THE BEST stories!! If you're thinking about trying me with this Siamese Twins just don't let the message go over your head! We came in alone and was taught to be dependent on our moms for nurturement, food, and all other things we so desperately cling to.
So, the lingering question becomes…as we grow up who is clinging to God? The journey of surrender, self-discovery, and wholeness is SOLO and can get extremely lonely, but who else do you trust to be the author of YOUR story? Only you can tell your story and you are the ONLY ONE with the power to rewrite that story! Being able to identify and breakdown my journey wasn’t easy, it was painful, disappointing, lonely and it just down right hurt sometimes, but when I think about the journey through my shadow God was ALWAYS there! Through every trial and tribulation, he was there. Now I didn’t always acknowledge his presence in the moment, but I now see how he had never left.
I was isolated so God could start doing his work on me. I moved, like physically moved!
Now see, the move happened when I wasn’t fully recognizing Gods presence, I wasn’t able to understand then that he was saying “baby your time here is up, I need you to come on back home” but that’s what he was doing! He was setting me up to come back to him, to come back home. He had blessed me with a new job, place to live and when I think about it now the way things were happening for me at once was ALL GOD!
Now during the time of my move things were rocky in several of my relationships which made things heavier not lighter. I was coming out of what I can now identify as one of the biggest sacrifices I’ve had to make, and it was God telling me baby it’s YOUR TIME! I just didn’t know I would have to go through all of what I endured to start feeling comfortable with it being MY TIME. I had been in a 2yr phase of completely giving up myself and all of who I was to step into a role of a caregiver while showing up for everything and everyone but me, like I ALWAYS did. Now it was time to put me first and I didn’t know that came with so much hurt and disappointment before understanding and appreciation.
Once I moved, I got a clear picture of just how much I was putting in to maintain the relationships I had poured so much of myself into. It was unfamiliar and hurting to know that I was now alone, and I couldn’t expect anyone to show up for me the way I have always shown up for them. The calls slow down, nobody was checking in, I lived too far for anyone to want to stop by. I couldn’t understand why I was the one doing all the pouring and expecting everyone else to fill MY cup.
Once God broke me down, I started doing some hard-self-reflecting without the distraction of the world, outside noise, opinions, and expectations of/from others. I was placing so much of the world on myself and into relationships. Filling so much of my empty cup with the wrong people, task, food you name it trying to be whole. I've had some amazing relationships that were supportive but still unfulfilling because I wasn't showing up for me.
I started looking deeper into what and how things were making me feel. I needed to understand why I was in the “MY TIME phase” breaking down, in bed crying myself to sleep because the life I had placed so much importance on, the relationships I had poured so much into were actually EMPTY. The emptiness I was carrying around wasn’t doing anything but attracting more emptiness, I wasn’t giving it to God.
The lack of support I felt growing up caused me to show up for everything/everyone x10, the lack of relationships I yearned for in my own family caused me to create trauma bonds in friendship and family unknowingly. The disconnect from my emotions with the lack of my dad had me attracting emotionally disconnected men. You see how my emptiness was attracting emptiness.
The cup I was filling by caring and showing up for others was now empty waiting for me to pour into myself, waiting on me to give it to God so he could start to heal those empty spaces!
It was necessary for me to be solo I never was. It’s always been the trio (me, mom, sister), me and friends, me, and family, or me and a man. Never just ME, away from everything and everyone with no choice but to depend on God and self to pick me up!
God became my SOURCE. My confidant, my teacher, my comforter, my listener, my best friend! He snatched me away from everything I was so dependent on more than him and broke me down to understand he is the ONLY Source! The source of eternal life! The well of water that never runs dry! I had to be broken down to get back to the source and that breakdown was solo leaning and depending on nobody but God. He had to show me I was more than what “man” (the world) had placed on me and said I was.
The first thing I had to do was be real with myself! Accept that I was broken, breaking and toxic to myself and others. I had to confess to start surrendering and deprogramming. I stopped rejecting my emptiness! All the voids I was trying to fill with the wrong people/things, all the relationships I was dependent on, not allowing space for myself or just developed through trauma bonds. He revealed I wouldn't find true love and happiness there, I wouldn't feel the fulfillment I was looking for. I had to surrender and welcome him into my healing and discovery, being my only source so my cup would run over!
My girlfriend would always say “you just need to spend some time alone, just you” and I wouldn't take heed. After spending the last few years alone, trying and failing, trying again I'm finally embracing me! The pure essence of self, understanding the solo piece of things and tapping into who I am. Understanding my childhood, the pain and disappointment from the past and what I like, love, and appreciate about myself. The things that make me happy. I would have never done this piece of work with the distraction or influence of family, friends, and the wrong lover.
During that self-reflecting God's presence was able to show up for me in a way I never thought possible! I was able to seek God for understanding and appreciation and I stopped depending on everyone to be the source or listening ear.
Everyone has an idea of who you should be or what you should do which ends up clouding the dreams/life you want to create for yourself. I needed my ME time, the solo time to tap into all of who I am with no influence of my past! No longer scared and rejecting my emptiness but allowing God to fill every void with his spirit.
Going on this journey solo I know seems to be scary an unheard of! I know because I was scared, scared and lonely. It also brings the feeling of loneliness but it's necessary, we were born alone!
It's funny because when I go into sharing in my journey I'm always asked “where did you get that from, where did you read that” umm…MYSELF! My journey isn't contingent on no one man/person just me and God. Sometimes your journey will take you so low or far enough away you have no other option but to lean on God for understanding and comfort. Who else is going to sit and unpack it all with you? He wants you to solely rely and depend on him.
Everyone has their own unique journey and you must take control in being the author of your own story. God is your only judge, the only one to provide comfort and clarity in your shadow, you're learning an understanding from him is what will have you healing from wounds you didn't even acknowledge were there.
Solo_ While on the journey of finding myself, loving on myself and embracing my full woman. my ability to be alone, stand independently and go to the depth of my heart and soul solo, is one of the most powerful experiences/ journeys of self-love, healing, and true authenticity.
Unapologetically~ Ashley R. Wood