“And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?” Mark 8: 36-37
SOUL is defined as the spirit and essence of self! The piece that makes you AUTHENTICALLY YOU!
Have you always been in touch with yourself? The REAL you, NOT the you, you’re told to be or think you have to be, but the YOU deep down in your soul, the one you have to discover? Yeah… neither have I. I tucked away every piece of me that didn’t seem to be trending with who everyone thought I was supposed to be! Caught up in the noise, not knowing how to turn the volume down and me UP and own it and be ok with it!
Growing up I was always a little touchy with myself (inside and out), but unaware of that being a good thing, something to admire. I didn’t grow up loving and appreciating that about myself. I was full of emotions; held on to a lot of things and everything got under my skin! I was catching vibes before I knew what a vibe really was.
See sometimes being too sensitive, too personal, too DEEP and in tuned with your feelings was heard or looked at as sensitive, emotional (eye roll), or over thinking. I was often told “don’t wear your feelings on your sleeve” or like my girl Monica would say “Don’t Take It Personal”. You couldn’t raise your voice at me, change your tone, let alone say something out of the way. I’m catching and holding on to EVERY word! Everything hit a little deeper for me. Oh, and don’t let me catch a side eye or read body language. With so many breakdowns of communication I rock with my man Beanie Sigel “Feel It in the Air” when he says 85% of communication is NON-VERBAL! I wouldn’t say anything, but I would hold on to it like it was no tomorrow.
Now don’t get me wrong, some of this direction and programming was necessary for how and where I was raised. Being as sensitive as I was could easily be mistaken or looked at as “WEAK”, lacking the authority to carry my own and folding under pressure. My raise was trying to prepare me for the battles to come. My mother was a single mother who spent her summers in Aliquippa, PA and she knew when she made the decision to move us to Quip our lives would be different. What she didn’t know was that the battles I would face within myself would be HEAVIER than any battle growing up in the “hood” would bring! Earning your stripes in the hood vs. earning your stripes with your authentic self are two totally different battles!
Being in tune with my thoughts, feelings and emotions translated to me being timid, sensitive, quiet and some may even say “SOFT”. Showing a little too much heart for things until it was time for me to Pop Off! Please don’t get it twisted, I can Pop Off when necessary! That’s the side I call Renay but we keep her tucked away! Stripes were EARNED where I grew up. See Quip is a small town so if you are beefing or talking slick you had to come across your opponent! Nothing like BIG city living or what they do on the internet nowadays. I always say Aliquippa streets will prepare you for EVERYTHING!
Let’s reel this back into the mushy stuff! The stuff that in my teenage and adult years translated into me being “Sweet” and Taken Advantage Of! I said it! Not owning who I am, the sensitive, deep, emotional, pop off Ashley led me to being taken advantage of! By everybody! Yes, everybody! You know it’s always easier to ask the nice girl, the one that look soft! She won’t say no, let alone say what’s on her heart and mind! It’s easier to play off sensitive feelings that will only be left hurt! I over poured out of my cup every time, leaving me empty! That was the story of my life! Leaving me to feel taken advantage of and unappreciated because someone didn’t treat or handle me the way I would have did them! With Care! See that was Cardi B “Be Careful”!
Yeah, I know... as I write this, I get a little frustrated thinking, I dealt with this as a child, teenager and adult, like come on!! When are you going to own and accept who you are and speak up for yourself? Use your voice!
Whelp! That was until I started unpacking the baggage I so easily got use to packing up and moving into every phase of my life. Until NOW! That sensitive, emotional girl could always sense when her soul was on fire and when her light was being dimmed but didn’t know how to express it! Not until I truly started to explore the essence of true womanhood and discovery. I started owning the essence of myself! That piece of me that makes me who I am! Owning my Shadow and My Light! My valleys and peaks!
When on the journey of self-love and authenticity the ability to travel to the depths of your soul means you must tap into your heart, shadow and light! It’s one of the most powerful experiences of knowing and being comfortable with who you are. Owning it!! I have embarked on the journey and have to say I love it here! There is no place I rather be! I am now doing EVERYTHING from MY SOUL!
I am very much so on this journey with you!
A very promising piece of my healing has been my ability to “hear” my voice and “see” my TRUE self! I suppressed a lot by hiding in my shadow and staying quiet, NOT using my voice! It’s now extremely important for me to SAY IT OUT LOUD!!!
Imperfections and all! Stumbling on my words, a little stutter, adding words, camera mess-ups and MY personality lol…I promise to always give the Most Authentic version of ME!
Unapologetically~ Ashley R. Wood